20 Holiday Potluck Recipes that Subtly Tell Your Trump-Loving Relatives to F*ck Off
It’s the most wonderful time of year! But, like, again?! Okay. Yay! So much “yay.” You have things to look forward to, not the least of which is seeing your Trump-loving, Christian conservative family and indulging them in hours-long conversations about the important topics of the day, including — say it with me, everyone — Hillary’s emails.
This year, too, you have the added pressure (err, pleasure!) of bringing something to your family’s annual potluck. You’ve debated gifting everyone with a bag of Cheetos and/or bringing the illegal (magically disappearing) caravan on a plate (i.e., bringing nothing), but your mother has begged you to “behave.” Apparently, if you want to remain in the will, you will have to throw shade without the appearance of too many clouds.
Luckily, having seen every episode of every Housewives franchise in existence (only slightly bragging), I am uniquely qualified in the field of “shade-throwing.” Over the past week, I have dug through the Internet archives for recipes and narrowed the list to 20 for this exact purpose (in reference to ‘20, when Trump will disappear and you will undoubtedly bring champagne — well, at least hopefully).
Make one recipe; make all twenty twice . . . Just make sure to wear an Adam Schiff-t dress and generously pour Maxine Waters for your entire table.
“Or would anyone like some (Nancy Pelos-)tea?” You’ll ask. “Another Diet Coke (or twelve)? Geez, we should get a button for ordering those! Okay! Let’s bow our heads and thank the good ‘Lordy’ before this food gets cold.”
“Oh!” You’ll say, walking out the door. “And just as I’m going . . . Just quickly . . . I’m doing this because I need to pay off my college loans while also eating. I recognize that you and the Republican party are condoning racism and promoting nationalism, so . . . Oh! Also! After further thought, f*ck off. Like, all y’all. Outright.”
Starters & Appetizers
- Deconstructed Waldorf Salad. Pay homage to the (stupid) wall by bringing it to your family’s potluck in broken pieces. That’s right: apples, celery, mayonnaise, walnuts, and grapes in separate containers. With toothpicks! Doesn’t make sense? Neither does the wal . . . dorf. (Recipe here, but go ahead and use mayo).
- White Cheese Fondue. Swiss, Gruyère, cottage . . . I don’t care the type of cheese so long as it is painfully white, a little smelly, terribly oily, and easily melted by the flame of a single candle (AKA “Fire and Fury”). Before you know it, they’ll be white-washing the fundamental truths of this nation . . . err, the real bread and butter. (Recipe here).
- Mac N’ Cheese Jalapeño Poppers with Cheetos. To paraphrase SNL’s Stephon, “This recipe has everything” about the Trump administration: lots of little white noodles, less cheddar than you’d expect, some heat, and a bunch of orange-tinted flakes just piling on. (Recipe here).
- Split Pea and Brined-Ham Soup. Pea brined ham, pea-brained hams . . . This one’s for you, Eric and Don Jr.! Split it! Bloop! (Recipe here, but make sure to use a brined ham or, if you’re going kosher/vegetarian, another meat/meat-substitute).
- A single fig. ‘Cause you have actually given one over the past two years. ‘Cause maybe it’s time you literally give one, too.
- Onion Tower. Trump loves the Russian skyline, outlined by its trademark onion domes. And Trump’s followers love everything Trump loves. So it makes sense, bringing an onion tower. (Recipe here).
- Whole Chicken. Remember that giant Trump chicken protest balloon? Roast ‘im. If you’re feeling fancy, make a mousse out of some gravy; swash the comb-over on top. (I have no idea how to do that, but it sounds like something that would be do-able by someone who knows what they’re doing). (Recipe here).
- Pork Loin. There’s a surplus of “pork barreling” in federal government these days. I say, if you’re not Kosher, make some pig for the people who have endorsed the trend. (Recipe here).
- Ribeye. Oma-roast it, if you’d prefer. But, please, put it on the table. No matter what happens, no matter how much you want to, don’t do the rip-out-your-rib-and-pierce-your-eye thing. (Oh, God, is that what happened to RBG?). (Recipe here).
- Vegducken. It’s the year of the woman! It’s only right to make a vaj-fu— Oh, wait, I read that wrong . . . Or did I? (Recipe here).
- Hand Pies. Any flavor would do, although I’m partial to (im-)peach-mint (recipe here). Just remember: they should be really, really small. Like, miniscule. Go the distance by coloring the pie dough orange.
- Russian Tea Cakes. They’re common during the holidays, right? Absolutely! Traditional! And they’re even more common in the Republican caucus! So. There’s that. (Recipe here).
- Upside-Down Banana Cake. We are increasingly living in an upside-down banana republic, so. Let them eat their cake. (Recipe here).
- Powdered Donut Holes. They’re delicious, and they’re what the president uses to freshen up his peepers every morning. (Look at his eyes, you know it’s true). Pick them up at a gas station on the way over!
- Cherry Cordials. Put ’em on a platter and let the cherry pickers pick. (Recipe here).
- Pumpkin Spice Blondies. This one’s for you, Ivanka, the Trumpkin blondie! (Recipe here, but omit the chocolate chunks . . . unless it’s white chocolate . . . because Ivanka).
- Bee Zest Icebox Cookies. Remember the “Be Best!” campaign? Or is the memory a little fuzzy? Or cold, maybe? A little . . . distant? Reminds me of some lady first. Hmm. (Recipe here).
- Broken Fox Cookies. If you have some skill with flooding and filling sugar cookies, go ahead and try making this recipe from The Bearfoot Baker (also linked below). If, on the way over, the animal figureheads of your relatives’ favorite “news” network find themselves decapitated . . . Well, that’s just too bad. Darn it! Shoot. (Recipe here, but break the heads off).
- Snowflake Puff Pastry. Don’t you love it? You, a snowflake, getting them a little puffed up? (Recipe here).
- Mulled Wine and Poached Pears. Listen: at the end of the day, Muller’d wine will poach all our dis-pear. Take deep breaths and believe that. Or go crazy, maybe? That’s an option, too. And I don’t judge. I actually get that. Look at what’s happening. (Recipe here).
- Indict-mints. Save your breath. Save America (hopefully).